The Science of Living by Alfed Adler

My quick summary

• to be filled out

Ratings

• Reading difficulty: decently dense, and makes you think
• Recommendation: learned a few things that are necessary, but go into it thinking it’s a series of essays

My notes

Lack of social interest is equivalent to being oriented towards the useless side of life

• Is the fact that children that are forced to do things when young less susceptible to “hardship” because they are used to it, thus not being “pampered?”

Highlights

• Individual Psychology tries to see individual lives as a whole and regards each single reaction, each movement and impulse as an articulated part of an individual attitude towards life
• The important thing is to understand the individual context - the goal of an individual’s life which marks the line of direction for all his acts and movements. This goal enables us to understand the hidden meaning behind the various separate acts - we see them as parts of a whole. Vice versa when we study the parts - provided we study them as parts of a whole - we get a better sense of the whole
• Now the movement of the psyche is analogous to the movement of organic life. In each mind there is the conception of a goal or ideal to get beyond the present state, and to overcome the present deficiencies and difficulties by postulating a concrete aim for the future. By means of this concrete aim or goal the individual can think and feel himself superior to the difficulties of the present because he has in mind his success of the future. Without the sense of a goal, individual activity would cease to have any meaning
• The child will not perceive given situations as they actually exist, but according to a personal scheme of apperception - that is to say, he will perceive situations under the prejudice of his own interests
• It is necessary to understand the social interest from the very outset since it is the most important part of our education, of our treatment and of our cure
• The three types of children we have mentioned develop a prototype with a lesser degree of social interest. They have not the mental attitude which is conducive to the accomplishment of what is necessary in life or to the solution of its difficulties. Feeling defeated, the prototype has a mistaken attitude which is conducive to the accomplishment of what is necessary in life or to the solution of its difficulties. Feeling defeated, the prototype has a mistaken attitude towards the problems of life and tends to develop the personality on the useless side of life. On the other hand, our task in treating such patients is to develop behavior on the useful side and to establish in general a useful attitude towards life and society
• Lack of social interest is equivalent to being oriented towards the useless side of life
• After the social interest, our next task is to find out the difficulties that confront the individual in his development. This task is somewhat more confusing at first glance, but it is in reality not very complicated
• It is a remarkable thing that individuals always try to justify their attitudes by feelings. Thus if a man wants to do good work, we will find this idea magnified and dominating his whole emotional life. We can conclude that the feelings always agree with the individual’s viewpoint of his task: they strengthen the individual in his bent for activity. We always do that which we would do even without the feelings, and the feelings are simply an accompaniment to our acts
• Every dream has of course a purpose, although this was never clearly understood until now. The purpose of a dream - expressed in general and not specific terms - is to create a certain movement of feeling or emotion, which movement of emotion in turn furthers the movement of the dream
• We always have a strong inclination to deceive ourselves emotionally
• Curiously enough, we will find that no two children, even those born in the same family, grow up in the same situation. Even within the same family the atmosphere that surrounds each individual child is quite particular. Thus the first child has notoriously a different set of circumstances from the other children. The first child is at first alone and is thus the center of attention. Once the second child is born, he finds himself dethroned and he does not like the change of situation
• In fact it is quite a tragedy in his life that he has been in power and is so no longer. This sense of tragedy goes into the formation of his prototype and will crop out in his adult characteristics. As a matter of fact, case histories show that such children always suffer downfall
• In order to readjust a child you must make him understand what happened in his childhood
• The art of understanding old remembrances involves a very high power of sympathy, a power to identify oneself with the child in his childhood situation. It is only by such power of sympathy that we are able to understand the intimate significance in a child’s life of the advent of a younger child in the family, or the impression made on a child’s mind by the abuse of a high-tempered father
• And while we are on the subject it cannot be overemphasized that nothing is gained by punishing, admonishing and preaching. Nothing is accomplished when neither the child nor the adult knows on which point the change has to be made. When the child does not understand, he becomes slyer and more cowardly. His prototype, however, cannot be changed by such punishment and preaching. It cannot be changed in accordance with the individual’s personal scheme of apperception. It is only when we get at the basic personality that we accomplish any changes
• If we inquire about the intelligence, the understanding and the motive of a criminal, we shall find that the criminal always looks upon his crimes as both clever and heroic
• Those who turn to the useless side of things are often afraid of darkness and isolation; they wish to be with others. This is cowardice and should be labeled as such. Indeed, the best way to stop crime would be to convince everybody that crime is nothing but an expression of cowardice
• The use of the terms “consciousness” and “unconsciousness” to designate distinctive factors is incorrect in the practice of Individual Psychology. Consciousness and unconsciousness move together in the same direction and are not contradictions, as is so often believed. What is more, there is no definite line of demarcation between them. It is merely a question of discovering the purpose of their joint movement. It is impossible to decide on what is conscious and what is not until the whole connection has been obtained. This connection is revealed in the prototype, that pattern of life which we analyzed in the last chapter.
• …we find that the beginning of social life lies in the weakness of the individual
• Because of this fact, we cannot expect to find that the abilities and faculties of all human beings in society are equal. But a society that is rightly adjusted will not be behindhand in supporting the abilities of the individual who compose it. This is an important point to grasp, since otherwise we would be led to suppose that individuals have to be judged entirely on their inherited abilities. As a matter of fact an individual who might be deficient in certain faculties if he lived in an isolated condition could well compensate for his lacks in a rightly organized society
• Everybody knows that language is a social invention, but few people realize that individual deficiency was the mother of that invention. This truth, however, is illustrated in the early behavior of children. When their desires are not being satisfied, they want to gain attention and they try to do so by some sort of language. But if a child should not need to gain attention, he would not try to speak at all. This is the case in the first few months, when the child’s mother supplies everything that the child wishes before it speaks. There are cases on record of children who did not speak until six years of age because it was never necessary for them to do so.
• We must look at the social environment in order to understand the particular “goal of superiority” an individual chooses. We must look at the social situation, too, in order to understand a particular maladjustment
• There is a direct connection between social training and common sense. When we say that people solve their difficulties by common sense, we have in mind the pooled intelligence of the social group. On the other hand, as we indicated in the last chapter, persons who act with a private language and a private understanding manifest an abnormality. The insane, the neurotics and the criminals are of this type. We find that certain things are not interesting to them - people, institutions, the social norms make no appeal to them. And yet it is through these things that the road to their salvation lies.
• In working with such persons our task is to make social facts appeal to them
• We must teach them that it is what they actually accomplish, what they actually give, that matters in society
• While the feeling of inferiority and the striving for superiority are universal, it would be a mistake to regard this fact as indicating that all men are equal. Inferiority and superiority are the general conditions which govern the behavior of men, but besides these conditions there are differences in bodily strength, in health, and in environment. For that reason different mistakes are made by individuals in the same given conditions. If we examine children we shall see that there is no one absolutely fixed and right manner for them to respond. They respond in their own individual ways. They strive towards a better style of life, but they all strive in their own way, making their own mistakes and their own type of approximations to success
• If we examine the personalities of geniuses, we shall often find poor eyes or some other deficiency
• Let us remind ourselves at this point of the connection frequently made between body and mind. A given defect does not always lead to the same result. There is no necessary cause and effect relation between a physical imperfection and a bad style of life. For the physical imperfection we can often give good treatment in the form of right nutrition and thereby partly obviate the physical situation. But it is not the physical defect which causes the bad results: it is the patient’s attitude which is responsible. That is why for the individual psychologist mere physical defects or exclusive physical causality does not exist, but only mistaken attitudes towards physical situations. Also that is why the individual psychologist seeks to foster a striving against the feeling of inferiority during the development of the prototype
• Sometimes we see a person impatient because he cannot wait to overcome difficulties. Whenever we see persons constantly in motion, with strong tempers and passions, we can always conclude that they are persons with a great feeling of inferiority. A person who knows he can overcome his difficulties will not be impatient. On the other hand he may not always accomplish what is necessary. Arrogant, impertinent, fighting children also indicate a great feeling of inferiority. It is our task in their case to look for the reasons - for the difficulties they have - in order to prescribe the treatment. We should never criticize or punish mistakes in the style of life of the prototype
• The key to the entire social process is to be found in the fact that persons are always striving to find a situation in which they excel. Thus children who have a great feeling of inferiority want to exclude stronger children and play with weaker children whom they can rule and domineer. This is an abnormal and pathological expression of the feeling inferiority which matters but the degree and character of it. The abnormal feeling of inferiority has acquired the name of “inferiority complex.” But complex is not the correct word for this feeling of inferiority permeates the whole personality. It is more than a complex, it is almost a disease who ravages vary under different circumstances. Thus we sometimes do not notice the feeling of inferiority when a person is on his job because he feels sure of his work. On the other hand he may not be sure of himself in society or in his relations with the opposite sex, and in this way we are able to discover his true psychological situation
• We always meet persons who say, “I would do this in this way,” “I would take that job,” “I would fight that man,…but…” All such statements are a sign of a great feeling of inferiority, and in fact, if we read them this way we get a new light on certain emotions, such as doubt. We recognize that a person in doubt usually remains in doubt and accomplishes nothing. However, when a person says, “I won’t,” he will probably act accordingly.
• Our whole task is to train such persons away from their hesitating attitude. The proper treatment for such persons is to encourage them, never to discourage them. We must make them understand that they are capable of facing difficulties and solving the problems of life. This is the only way to build self-confidence, and this is the only way the feeling of inferiority should be treated
• The striving for superiority never ceases. It constitutes, in fact, the mind, the psyche of the individual. As we have said, life is the attainment of a goal or form, and it is the striving for superiority which sets the attainment of form into motion
• …for in our culture, weakness can be quite strong and powerful. (In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be, the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated)
• It seems to be a trait of human nature that when individuals - both children and adults - feel weak, they cease to be interested socially but strive for superiority. They want to solve the problems of life in such a way as to obtain personal superiority without any mixture of social interest. As long as a person strives for superiority and tempers it with social interest, he is on the useful side of life and can accomplish good. But if he lacks social interest, he is not really prepared for the solution of the problems of life. In this category should be put, as we have already said, the problem children, the insane, the criminals, those who commit suicide, etc.
• The superiority complex and inferiority complex agree on one point, namely, that they are always on the useless side. We can never find an arrogant, impertinent child, one with a superiority complex, on the useful side of life
• Everyone, as we have said, has a feeling of inferiority. But the feeling of inferiority is not a disease, it is rather a stimulant to healthy normal striving and development. It becomes a pathological condition only when the sense of inadequacy overwhelms the individual, and so far from stimulating him to useful activity, makes him depressed and incapable of development
• It is while the subject is confronted with these difficulties that we must study him and find out his different movements and characteristic distinguishing marks. As we have previously said, the style of life is a unity because it has grown out of the difficulties of early life and out of the striving for a goal.
• But we are interested not so much in the past as in the future. And in order to understand a person’s future we must understand his style of life. Even if we understand instincts, stimuli, drive, etc., we cannot predict what must happen
• How does the notion of the style of life tie up with what we have discussed in previous chapters? We have seen how human beings with weak organs, because they face difficulties and feel insecure, suffer from a feeling or complex of inferiority. But as human beings cannot endue this for long, the inferiority feeling stimulates them, as we have seen, to movement and action. This results in a person having a goal. Now Individual Psychology has long called the consistent movement toward this goal plan But because this name has sometimes led to mistakes among students, it is now called a style of life
• Because an individual has a style of life, it is possible to predict his future sometimes just on the basis of talking to him and having him answer questions. It is like looking at the fifth act of a drama, where all the mysteries are solved. We can make predictions in this way because we know the phases, the difficulties and the questions of life.
• We realize, for instance, that in looking for the style of a life of a human being we may use the normal style of life as a basis for measurement
• We use the socially adjusted human being as a stand, and we can measure the variations from the normal
• At this point perhaps it would be helpful to show how we determine the normal style of life and how on the basis of it we understand mistakes and peculiarities. But before we discuss this we ought to mention that we do not count types in such studies. We do not consider human beings types because every human being has an individual style of life. Just as one cannot find two leaves of a tree absolutely identical, so one cannot find two human beings absolutely alike. Nature is so rich and the possibilities of stimuli, instincts and mistakes are so numerous, that it is not possible for two persons to be exactly identical. If we speak of types, therefore, it is only as an intellectual device to make more understandable the similarities of individuals. We can judge better if we postulate an intellectual classification like a type and study its special peculiarities. However, in doing so we do not commit ourselves to using the same classification at all times; we use the classification which is most useful for bringing out a particular similarity. People who take types and classifications seriously, once they put a person in a pigeonhole, do not see how the can be put into any other classification
• The normal man is an individual who lives in society and whose mode of life is so adapted that whether he wants it or not society derives a certain advantage from his work. Also from a psychological point of view he has enough energy and courage to meet the problems and difficulties as they come along. Both of these qualities are missing in the case of psychopathic persons; they are neither socially adjusted nor are they psychologically adjusted to the daily tasks of life
• As an illustration we may take the case of a certain individual, a man of thirty who was always at the last moment escaping the solution of his problems. He had a friends but was very suspicious of him, and as a result this friendship never prospered. Friendship cannot grow under such conditions because the other partner feels the tension in the relation. We can readily see how this man really had no friends despite the fact that he was on speaking terms with a large number of persons. He was not sufficiently interested nor adjusted socially to make friends. In fact he did not like society, and was always silent in company. He explained this on the ground that in company he never had any ideas and therefore he had nothing to say
• Moreover, the man was bashful. He had a pink skin which flushed from time to time when he talked. When he could overcome this bashfulness he would speak quite well. What he really needed was to be helped in this direction without criticism. Of course when he was in this state he did not present a nice picture and was not very much liked by his neighbors. He felt this, and as a result his dislike for speech increased. One might say that his style of life was such that if he approached other persons in society he called attention to himself
• Next to social life and the art of getting along with friends, is the question of occupation. Now our patient always had the fear that he might fail in his occupation, and so he studied day and night. He overworked and overstrained himself. And because he overstrained himself he put himself out of commission for solving the question of occupation
• If we compare our patient’s approach to the first and second questions in his life, we see that he was always in too great a tension. This is a sign that he had a great feeling of inferiority. He undervalued himself and looked on others and on new situations as things that were unfriendly to him. He acted as though he was in an enemy country
• Looking back, everybody remembers certain important things, and indeed what is fixed in memory is always important
• Little descriptions of old remembrances are highly illuminating
• We must make all children independent, and this can be done only if we get them to understand the mistakes in their style of life
• Having analyzed the significance of an individual’s style of life, we turn now to the topic of old remembrances, which are perhaps the most important means for getting at a style of life. By looking back through childhood memories we are able to uncover the prototype - the core of the style of life - better than by any other method
• If we want to find out the style of life of a person - child or adult - we should, after we have heard a little about his complaints, ask him for old remembrances and then compare them with the other facts he has given. For the most part the style of life never changes. There is always the same person with the same personality, the same unity. A style of life, as we have shown, is built up through the striving for a particular goal of superiority, and so we must expect every word, act and feeling to be an organic part of the whole “action line.” Now at some points this “action line” is more clearly expressed. This happens particularly in old remembrances
• We should not, however, distinguish too sharply between old and new remembrances, for in new remembrances also the action line is involved. It is easier and more illuminating to find the action line in the beginning, for then we discover the theme and are able to understand how the style of life of a person does not really change. In the style of life formed at the age of four or five we find the connection between remembrances of the past and actions of the present. And so after many observations of this kind we can hold fast to the theory that in these old remembrances we can always find a real part of the patient’s prototype
• But it does not matter whether they are fancied [memories] or true since they are parts of one’s personality
• WE come now to the hated child. This type is rare and represents extreme cases. If a child is really hated from the beginning of life, he cannot live. Such a child would perish. Usually children have parents or a nurse who pampers them to some extent and satisfies their desires. We find the hated children among illegitimate, criminal and not wanted children, and we often see these children becoming depressed. Frequently we find in their remembrances this feeling of being hated. For instance, there was a case of a man who said, “I remember I was spanked; my mother scolded me, criticized me until I ran away.” While running away he came very nearly being drowned
• We will find that children who want always to be supported have not the same posture as independent children. We can tell the degree of independence by how a child stands, how he approaches other persons. In such cases we need not be in doubt, for we have many possibilities of confirming our conclusion. And once we have confirmed our conclusion, we can take steps to remedy the situation and put the child on the right path
• Now let us turn to the mental attitudes distinguishable in persons. Some persons are more or less pugnacious. Some on the other hand want to give up the ship. However, we never see a person who really gives up. It is not possible, for it is beyond human nature. The normal being cannot give up. If he seems to do so, it indicates even more of a struggle to carry on than otherwise.
• There is a type of child who always wants to give up. He is usually the center of attention in a family. Everybody has to care for him, push him forward and admonish him. He must be supported in life and is always a burden to others. This is his goal of superiority - he expresses his desire to dominate others in this fashion. Such a goal of superiority is of course the result of an inferiority complex, as we have already shown. If he had not been doubtful of his own powers, he would not take this easy way out of attaining success.
• These characteristics that we have been describing are mental attitudes. They are not inborn or inherited, but are simply reactions towards a situation. A given characteristic is the answer that my style of life gives to my apperception of a problem that confronts me. Of course it is not always the logical answer that the philosopher would expect. It is the answer that my childhood experiences and mistakes have trained me to make
• We can see the functioning of these attitudes as well as the way in which they have been built up in children or in abnormal persons better than we can in the case of normal adults. The prototype stage of the style of life, as we have seen, is much clearer and simpler than the later style. In fact, we may compare the functioning of the prototype to an unripe fruit that will assimilate everything that comes along - manure, water, food, air. All these things will be taken up in its development. The difference between a prototype and the style of life is like the difference between an unripe and a ripe fruit. The unripe fruit stage in human beings is much easier to open up and examine, but what it reveals is to a large extent valid for the ripe fruit stage
• Much could be said and written about the significance of the belief in fatalism. It affects whole peoples and civilizations as well as individuals, but for our part we desire to point out its connection with the springs of psychological activity and the style of life. The belief in predestination is in many ways a cowardly escape from the task of striving and building up activity along the useful line. For that reason it will prove a false support.
• One of the basic attitudes of mind that affects our relations with our fellow men is the attitude of envy. Now to be envious is a sign of inferiority. True, we all have a certain amount of envy in our make-up. A small amount does no harm and is quite common. We must, however, demand that envy be useful. It must result in work, in a going on, and in a facing of problems. In such cases it is not useless. For that reason we should pardon the bity of envy which is found in all of us.
• On the other hand jealousy is a much more difficult and dangerous mental attitude, because it cannot be made useful. There is no single way in which a jealous person can be useful
• Moreover, we see in jealousy the result of a great and deep feeling of inferiority
• The purpose of a dream is neither logically nor truthfully expressed. It exists in order to create a certain feeling, mood, or emotion, and it is impossible fully to unravel its obscurities
• To dispel the prophetic superstition and the mystery that surrounds dreams we have to explain of course why most people do not understand their own dreams. The explanation is to be found in the fact that few people know themselves even in waking life. Few persons have the power of reflective self-analysis which permits them to see whither they are headed, and the analysis of dreams is, as we have said, a more complicated and obscure affair than the analysis of waking behavior. It is thus no wonder that the analysis of dreams should be beyond the scope of most persons - and it is also no wonder that in their ignorance of what is involved they should turn to charlatans.
• If one understands it is clear that one creates a certain fantasy for purposes of self-deception, which results in a desired feeling or emotion. Frequently this is all that is remembered of the dream
• What we have said may be taken as an answer to the question that is frequently asked, “Why do some persons never dream?” These are persons who do not want to deceive themselves. They are too much tied up with movement and logic, and want to face problems. Persons of this sort, if they dream, often forget their dreams soon.
• What we have to do is to give a person courage, self-confidence, and better understanding of his mistakes, if we are really to help him
• Besides direct study of a child during his formative years, Individual Psychology uses the methods of asking for old remembrances and fancies concerning future occupations, the observation of posture and bodily movements, and certain inferences from the order of the child in the family
• We know that children in a race must always have the hope of winning; and when this hope is gone, all is lost
• The goal of Individual Psychology is social adjustment. This may seem a paradox, but if it is a paradox, it is so only verbally. The fact is that it is only when we pay attention to the concrete psychological life of the individual do we come to realize how all-important is the social element. The individual becomes an individual only in a social context
• The nursery school, as we can see, is a social institution with social problems. An individual must be prepared for such problems because he has to follow the laws of the community. The child must be able to make himself useful to that little community, and he cannot be useful unless he is more interested in others than in himself
• But as he faces life he has to meet what we have called the three great questions of life - the social question, the question of occupation, and that of love and marriage. These questions arise out of the relationships bound up in our very existence. The social question involves our behavior towards other people, our attitude to mankind and the future of mankind. This question involves the preservation and the salvation of man. For human life is so limited that we can carry on only if we pull together
• In general we may say that success in an occupation is dependent on social adjustment. It is a great advantage in business to be able to understand the needs of neighbors and customers, to see with their eyes, hear with their ears, and feel as they feel. Such persons will move ahead
• We shall discuss the question of love and marriage at length in a succeeding chapter: here it is only necessary to show its connection with the problems of social adjustment. The same lack of social interest which is responsible for social and occupational maladjustments is also responsible for the common inabilities to meet the other sex properly. A person who is exclusively self-centered has not the proper preparation for a manage a deux. Indeed it would seem that one of the chief purposes of the sex instinct is to pull the individual out of his narrow shell and to prepare him for social life. But psychologically we have to meet the sex instinct half-way - it cannot accomplish its function properly unless we are already predisposed to forget our own self and merge it in a larger life
• We know that a lack in social adjustment begins in the prototype. The question is how to correct this lack before it is too late. If the parents could be told not only how to prevent the great mistakes but also how to diagnose the little expressions of the mistakes in the prototype and how to correct them, it would be a great advantage. But the truth is it is not possible to accomplish much in this way. Few parents are inclined to learn and to avoid mistakes
• In the future schools will surely be run more along the lines of Individual Psychology, for the true purpose of a school is to build character.
• The reason all individuals do not have complexes is that their sense of inferiority and superiority is harnessed by a psychological mechanism into socially useful channels. The springs of this mechanism are social interest, courage, and social mindedness, or the logic of common sense
• An inferiority complex is usually hidden in all problem children no matter what type of problem the children present on the surface. Thus to be lazy is in reality to exclude the important tasks of life and is a sign of a complex. To steal is to take advantage of the insecurity or absence of another; to lie is not to have the courage to tell the truth. All these manifestations in children have an inferiority complex as their core
• In all these cases where complexes develop, the failure to function in social and useful channels is due to a lack of courage on the part of the individual. It is this lack of courage which prevents him from following the social course. Side by side with the lack of courage are the intellectual accompaniments of a failure to understand the necessity and utility of the social course
• The logic of such arguments strikes us as quite frail, and it is frail. The whole outlook is conditioned by their socially useless goal, just as the selection of that goal is conditioned by their lack of courage. They always have to justify themselves, whereas a goal on the useful side of life goes without saying and does not need any excuses in its favor
• The inferiority complex is often connected with the idea that a person has no special abilities. The opinion is that some persons are gifted and others not. Such a view is itself an expression of an inferiority complex. According to Individual Psychology, “Everybody can accomplish everything,” and it is a sign of an inferiority complex when a boy or girl despairs of following this maxim and feels unable to accomplish his goal on the useful side of life
• The right preparation for love and marriage is first of all to be a fellow man and to be socially adjusted. Along with this general preparation should be put a certain training of the instinct of sex from early childhood down to adult maturity - a training that has in view the normal satisfaction of the instinct in marriage and a family. All the abilities, disabilities and inclinations for love and marriage can be found in the prototype formed in the first years of life. By observing the traits in the prototype we are able to put our finger on the difficulties that appear later in adult life
• If few persons are properly prepared nowadays for family life it is that they have never learned to see with the eyes, hear with the ears, and feel with the heart of another
• Social interest is a slow growth. Only these persons who are really trained in the direction of social interest from their first childhood and who are always striving on the useful side of life will actually have social feeling. For this reason it is not particularly difficult to recognize whether a person is really well prepared for life with the other sex or not
• A person on [the useful side of life] is courageous and has confidence in himself. He faces the problems of life and goes on to find solutions. He has comrades, friends and gets along with his neighbors. A person who does not have these traits is not to be trusted and is not to be regarded as prepared for love and marriage
• We can understand what happens when a person feels himself misunderstood and his activity curtailed. He feels inferior and wants to escape. Such feelings are especially bad in marriage, particularly if a sense of extreme hopelessness arises. When this happens revenge begins to creep in. One person wants to disturb the life of the other person. The most common way to do this is to be unfaithful. Infidelity is always a revenge. True, persons who are unfaithful always justify themselves by speaking of love and sentiments, but we know the value of feelings and sentiments. Feelings always agree with the goal of superiority, and should not be regarded as arguments
• In conclusion we reiterate our statement that the questions of love and marriage can be solved only by socially adjusted persons. The mistakes in the majority of cases are due to lack of social interest, and these mistakes can be obviated only if the persons change. Marriage is a task for two persons. Now it is a fact that we are educated either for tasks that can be performed by one person alone or else by twenty persons - never for a task for two persons. But despite our lack of education the marriage task can be handled properly if the two persons recognize the mistakes in their character and approach things in a spirit of equality
• In general it may be said that some sex expression in childhood is quite normal, and we should not therefore be terrified by the sight of sexual movements in a child. After all, the goal of each sex is to be eventually joined to the other. Our policy should therefore be one of watchful waiting. We must stand by and see that sexual expression does not develop in the wrong direction
• It is the exaggeration of sex tendencies that is most to be guarded against by the parents who watch their children. Thus too often a mother pays too much attention to the first sexual movements in childhood and thereby tends to make the child overvalue their significance. She is perhaps terrified and is always occupied with such a child, always talking to him about these matters and punishing him. Now we know that many children like to be the center of attention, and hence it is frequently the case that a child continues in his habits precisely because he is scolded for them. It is better not to over-value the subject with a child, but to treat the matter as of one of the ordinary difficulties. If one does not show children that one is impressed by these matters, one will have a much easier time
• A pampered child does not develop well sexually
• It is curious to see how bad sexual training results as an incident in the psychological conflict of child and parent
• The only way such tactics can be avoided is to make each child responsible for himself, so that he should not believe that it is the parents’ interest alone which is at stake, but his own as well
• In the proper training of the sex instinct the sexual drives should be harnessed to a useful goal in which the whole of our activities are expressed. If the goal is properly chosen neither sexuality nor any other expression of life will be overstressed
• One meets persons who have been advised to give more free expression of their sex instincts and who have followed that advice, only to make their condition worse. The reason things workout that way is that such persons fail to harness their sexual life with a socially useful goal, which alone can change their neurotic condition. The expressions of sex instinct by itself does not cure the neurosis, for the neurosis is a disease in the style of life, if we may use the term, and it can be cured only by ministering to the style of life
• Inferiority, we have seen, is the basis for human striving and success. On the other hand the sense of inferiority is the basis for all our problems of psychological maladjustment. When the individual does not find a proper concrete goal of superiority, an inferiority complex results. The inferiority complex leads to a desire for escape and this desire for escape is expressed in a superiority complex, which is nothing more than a goal on the useless and vain side of life offering the satisfaction of false success
• Social adjustment is the obverse face of the problem of inferiority. It is because the individual man is inferior and weak that we find human beings living in society. Social interest and social cooperation are therefore the salvation of the individual

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Started: January 8, 2025 | Finished: January 18, 2025 | Time read: 150 min