The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga

My quick summary

• to be filled out

Ratings

• Reading difficulty: flows easily
• Recommendation: read this multiple times

My notes

• to be filled out

Highlights

• …people can change…
• …the world is simple…
• …everybody can be happy…
• The world is simple and life is simple, too
• That is not because the world is complicated. It’s because you are making the world complicated
• There is no escape from your own subjectivity. At present, the world seems complicated and mysterious to you, but if you change, the world will appear more simple. The issue is not about how the world is, but about how you are
• If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with “determinism.” Because what this says is that our present and our future have already been decided by past occurrences, and are unalterable
• …the past doesn’t matter?
• …that is the standpoint of Adlerian psychology
• So in Adlerian psychology, we do not think about past “causes” but rather about present “goals.”
• …this is called “teleology.”
• This is the difference between etiology (the study of causation) and teleology (the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause). Everything you have been telling me is based in etiology. As long as we stay in etiology, we will not take a single step forward.
• But Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - the so-called trauma - but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”
• Focus on the point Adler is making here when he refers to the self being determined not by our experiences themselves, but by the meaning we give them. He is not saying that the experience of a horrible calamity or abuse during childhood or other such incidents have no influence on forming a personality; their influences are strong. But the important thing is that nothing is actually determined by those influences. We determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those experiences. Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.
• Every one of us is living in line with some goal. That is what teleology tells us.
• Adlerian psychology is a form of thought, a philosophy that is diametrically opposed to nihilism.
• …people are not controlled by emotion…
• …we are not controlled by the past
• Regardless of what may have happened in the past, it is the meaning that is attributed to it that determines the way someone’s present will be
• The question isn’t “What happened?” but “How was it resolved?”
• We can’t go back to the past in a time machine. We can’t turn back the hands of time. If you end up staying in etiology, you will be bound by the past and never be able to find happiness
• If the past determined everything and couldn’t be changed, we who are living today would no longer be able to take effective steps forward in our lives
• …one should always take the “people can change” premise?
• The first step to change is knowing
• To quote Adler again: “The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.”
• The Greek word for “good” (agathon) does not have a moral meaning. It just means “beneficial.” Conversely, the word for “evil” (kakon) means “not beneficial.”
• In Adlerian psychology, we describe psychology and disposition with the word “lifestyle.”
• Lifestyle is the tendencies of thought and action in life
• How one sees the world…How one sees oneself
• …it is a word that encompasses the worldview of that person and his or her outlook on life
• …it is the way one’s life should be
• In Adlerian psychology…life style is thought of as something that you choose for yourself
• Of course, you did not consciously choose “this kind of self.” Your first choice was probably unconscious, combined with external factors you have referred to - that is, race, nationality, culture, and home environment. These certainly had a significant influence on that choice. Nevertheless, it is you who chose “this kind of self.”
• How on earth could I have chosen it?
• Adlerian psychology’s view is that it happens around the age of ten
• If your lifestyle is not something that you were naturally born with, but something you chose yourself, then it must be possible to choose it over again
• …now you’ve learned about lifestyle. But what you do with it from here on is your responsibility. Whether you go on choosing the lifestyle you’ve had up till now, or you choose a new lifestyle altogether, it’s entirely up to you
• People can change at any time, regardless of the environments they are in. You are unable to change only because you are making the decision not to
• People are constantly selecting their lifestyles
• When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test. There is the anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendent to not changing
• Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage
• …if you change your lifestyle - the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself - then both your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will have to change as well. Do not forget this point: One will have to change. You, just as you are, have to choose your lifestyle. It might seem hard, but it is really quite simple
• …as Adler’s teleology tells us, “No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on.” That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life
• What I can do is to get the person first to accept “myself now,” and then regardless of the outcome have the courage to step forward. In Adlerian psychology, this kind of approach is called “encouragement.”
• …it’s basically impossible to not get hurt in your relations with other people. When you enter into interpersonal relationships, it is inevitable that to a greater or lesser extent you will get hurt, and you will hurt someone, too. Adler says, “To get rid of one’s problems, all one can do is live in the universe all alone.” But one can’t do such a thing.
• Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them. To feel lonely, we need other people. That is to say, it is only in social contexts that a person becomes an “individual.”
• As Adler goes so far as to assert, “All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.”
• A human being’s existence, in its very essence, assumes the existence of other human beings. Living completely separate from others is, in principle, impossible.
• In Adler’s native German, the word is Minerwertigkeitsgefuhl, which means a feeling (Gefuhl) of having less (minder) worth (Wert). So “feeling of inferiority” has to do with one’s value judgment of oneself
• It’s the feeling that one has no worth, or that one is worth only so much
• …the feelings of inferiority we’re suffering from are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts?
• But subject interpretations can be altered as much as one likes. And we are inhabitants of a subjective world
• …value is something that’s based on social context
• There’s nothing bad about feelings of inferiority themselves
• First of all, people enter this world as helpless beings. And people have the universal desire to escape from that helpless state. Adler called this the “pursuit of superiority.”
• This is something you could think of as simply “hoping to improve” or “pursuing an ideal state.”
• Adler is saying that the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth. If it is not used in the wrong way, the feeling of inferiority, too, can promote striving and growth
• One tries to get rid of one’s feeling of inferiority and keep moving forward. One’s never satisfied with one’s present situation - even if it’s just a single step, one wants to make progress. One wants to be happier. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the state of this kind of feeling of inferiority
• …it’s crucial not to mix up “feeling of inferiority” and “inferiority complex,” and to think about them as clearly separate.
• There is nothing particularly wrong with the feeling of inferiority itself.
• As Adler says, the feeling of inferiority can be a trigger for striving and growth
• The inferiority complex, on the other hand, refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feeling of inferiority as a kind of excuse
• …Adler explains as “apparent cause and effect.” That is to say, you convince yourself that there is some serious casual relationship where the is none whatsoever
• Adler, however, with his stance of teleology (the attributing of purpose), rejects such arguments as “apparent cause and effect.”
• Those who manifest their inferiority complexes in words or attitudes, who say that “A is the situation, so B cannot be done,” are implying that if only it was not for A, they’d be capable and have value
• The healthiest way is to try to compensate through striving and growth
• The inferiority complex can also develop into another special mental state
• It’s the “superiority complex.”
• It’s to act as if one is indeed superior and to indulge in a fabricated feeling of superiority
• But those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value systems - they are living other people’s lives. This is a point that must be emphasized
• If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn’t feel the need to boast
• …inferiority complex and superiority complex were polar opposites, in actuality they border on each other?
• Adler himself pointed out, “In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.”
• Adler says, “In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be, the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.” The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him
• Completely understanding the feelings of the person who is suffering is something that no one is capable of. But as long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to one’s advantage in order to be “special,” one will always need that misfortune
• The pursuit of superiority is the mind-set of taking a single step forward on one’s own feet, not the mind-set of competition of the sort that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people
• A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self
• Human beings are all equal, but not the same
• When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way
• If there is competition at the core of a person’s interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune
• When you are able to truly feel that “people are my comrades,” your way of looking at the world will change utterly. No longer will you think of the world as a perilous place, or be plagued by needless doubts; the world will appear before you as a safe and pleasant place. And your interpersonal relationship problems will decrease dramatically
• There is a difference between personal anger (personal grudge) and indignation with regard to society’s contradictions and injustices (righteous indignation). Personal anger soon cools. Righteous indignation, on the other hand, lasts for a long time.
• And one the interpersonal relationship reaches the revenge stage, it is almost impossible for either party to find a solution. To prevent this from happening, when one is challenged to a power struggle, one must never allow oneself to be taken in
• Believe in the power of language and the language of logic
• One more thing about power struggles. In every instance, no matter how much you might think you are right, try not to criticize the other party on that basis. This is an interpersonal relationship trap that many people fall into
• The moment one is convinced that “I am right” in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle
• That is to say, the other party is wrong. At that point, the focus of the discussion shifts from “the rightness of the assertions” to “thee state of the interpersonal relationship.” In other words, the conviction that “I am right” leads to the assumption that “this person is wrong,” and finally it becomes a contest and you are thinking, I have to win. It’s a power struggle through and through
• It’s only when we take away the lenses of competition and winning and losing that we can begin to correct and change ourselves
• In Adlerian psychology, clear objectives are laid out for human behavior and psychology
• There are two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society. Then, the two objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviors are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades
• These objectives can be achieved by facing what Adler calls “life tasks”
• …“tasks of work,” “tasks of friendship,” and “tasks of love,” and all together as “life tasks.”
• Please think of this solely in terms of interpersonal relationships. That is, the distance and depth in one’s interpersonal relationships…“three social ties”…
• The interpersonal relationships that a single individual has no choice but to confront when attempting to live as a social being - these are the life tasks
• First, let’s look at the tasks of work. Regardless of the kind of work, there is no work that can be completed all by oneself
• Work that can be completed without the cooperation of other people is in principle unfeasible
• However, considered from the viewpoint of distance and depth, interpersonal relationships of work may be said to have the lowest hurdles. Interpersonal relationships of work have the easy-to-understand common objective of obtaining good results, so people can cooperate even if they don’t always get along, and to some extent they have no choice but to cooperate. And as long as a relationship is formed solely on the basis of work, it will go back to being a relationship with an outsider when working hours are over or one changes jobs
• …task of friendship
• This is a friend relationship in a broader sense, away from work, as there is none of the compulsion of the workplace. It is a relationship that is difficult to initiate or deepen
• There’s no value at all in the number of friends or acquaintances you have
• If you change, those around you will change too. They will have no choice but to change. Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others. Instead of waiting for others to change or waiting for the situation to change, you take the first step forward yourself
• …task of love
• Think of it as divided into two stages: one, what are known are love relationships; and two, relationships with family, in particular parent-child relationships
• …most likely it is the task of love that is the most difficult
• The distance is that close, and the relationship that deep
• Adler does not accept restricting one’s partner. If the person seems to be happy, one can frankly celebrate that condition. That is love. Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart
• The kind of relationship that feels somehow oppressive and strained when the two people are together cannot be called love, even if there is passion. When one can think, Whenever I am with this person, I can behave very freely, one can really feel love. One can be in a calm and quite natural state, without having feelings of inferiority or being beset with the need to flaunt one’s superiority. That is what real love is like. Restriction, on the other hand, is a manifestation of the mind-set of attempting to control one’s partner, and also an idea founded on a sense of distrust
• In love relationships and marital relationships, there is the option of separating
• If romantic love is a relationship connected by red string, then the relationships between parents and children is bound in rigid chains. And a pair of small scissors is all you have. This is the difficulty of the parent-child relationship
• You must not run away. No matter how distressful the relationship, you must not avoid or put off dealing with it. Even if in the end you’re going to cut it with scissors, first you have to face it
• Look, people are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them
• Adler called the state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks the “life-lie.”
• One shifts one’s responsibility for the situation one is currently in to someone else. One is running away from one’s life tasks by saying that everything is the fault of other people, or the fault of one’s environment
• Adler never discusses the life tasks or life-lies in terms of good and evil. It is not morals or good and evil that we should be discussing, but the issue of courage
• Adlerian psychology is a “psychology of courage.”
• Adlerian psychology is not a “psychology of possession” but a “psychology of use.”
• “It’s not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.”
• Freudian etiology is a psychology of possession, and eventually it arrives at determinism. Adlerian psychology, on the other hand, is a psychology of use, and it is you who decides it
• Adlerian psychology denies the need to seek recognition from others
• There is no need to be recognized by others. Actually one must not seek recognition
• Why is it that people seek recognition from others? In many cases, it is due to the influence of reward-and-punishment education
• If one takes appropriate action, one receives praise. If one takes inappropriate action, one receives punishment. Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment. It leads to mistaken lifestyles in which people think, If no one is going to praise me, I won’t take appropriate action and If no one is going to punish me, I’ll engage in inappropriate actions, too. You already have the goal of wanting to be praised when you start picking up litter. And if you aren’t praised by anyone, you’ll either be indignant or decide that you’ll never do such a thing again. Clearly, there’s something wrong with this situation
• We are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations
• In the teachings of Judaism, one finds a view that goes something like this: If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you? You are living only your own life. When it comes to who you are living it for, of course it’s you
• When one seeks recognition from others, and concerns oneself only with how one is judged by others, in the end, one is living other people’s lives
• If you are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, it follows that other people are not living to satisfy your expectations
• Do not behave without regard for others. To understand this, it is necessary to understand the idea in Adlerian psychology known as “separation of tasks.
• We need to think with the perspective of “Whose task is this?” and continually separate one’s own tasks from other people’s tasks
• One does not intrude on other people’s tasks
• In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks, or having one’s own tasks intruded on. Carrying out the separation of tasks is enough to change one’s interpersonal relationships dramatically
• There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, Who ultimately is going to receive the result brought about by the choice that is made?
• Adlerian psychology does not recommend the noninterference approach. Noninterference is the attitude of not knowing, and not even being interested in knowing what the child is doing. Instead, it is by knowing what the child is doing that one protects him. If it’s studying that is the issue, one tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study, But one must not intrude on the child’s task. When no requests are being made, it does not do to meddle in things
• In Adlerian psychology counseling, for instance, we do not think of the client’s changing or not changing as the task of the counselor
• “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”
• Forcing change while ignoring the person’s intentions will only lead to an intense reaction
• You are the only one who can change yourself
• Actually, with families there is less distance, so it’s all the more necessary to consciously separate the tasks
• Look, the act of believing is also the separation of tasks. You believe in your partner; that is your task. But how that person acts with regard to your expectations and trust is other people’s tasks
• Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. If you are leading a life of worry and suffering - which stems from interpersonal relationships - learn the boundary of “From here on, that is not my task.” And discard other people’s tasks. That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler.
• All you can do with regard to your own life is to choose the best path that you believe in. On the other hand, what kind of judgment do other people pass on that choice? That is the task of other people, and is not a matter you can do anything about
• Why are you worried about other people looking at you, anyway? Adlerian psychology has an easy answer. You haven’t done the separation of tasks yet. You assume that even things that should be other people’s tasks are your own. Remember the words of the grandmother: “You’re the only one who’s worried how you look.”
• First, one should ask, “Whose task is this?” Then do the separation of tasks. Calmly delineate up to what point one’s own tasks go, and from what point they become another person’s tasks. And do not intervene in other people’s tasks, or allow even a single person to intervene in one’s own tasks. This is a specific and revolutionary viewpoint that is unique to Adlerian psychology and contains the potential to utterly change one’s interpersonal relationship problems
• As Adler says, “Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.”
• “Freedom is being disliked by other people.”
• It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles
• Unless one is unconcerned by other people’s judgments, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognized, one will never be able to follow through in one’s own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free
• Don’t be afraid of being disliked
• The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained the courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness
• In Adlerian psychology, physical symptoms are not regarded separately from the mind (psyche). The mind and body are viewed as one, as a whole that cannot be divided into parts
• This sense of others as comrades, this awareness of “having one’s own refuge,” is called “community feeling.”
• Community feeling is also referred to as “social interest,” that is to say, “interest in society.”
• It is “you and I.” When there are two people, society emerges in their presence, and community emerges there too. To gain an understanding of the community feeling that Adler speaks of, it is advisable to use “you and I” as the starting point
• A way of living in which one is constantly troubled by how one is seen by others is a self-centered lifestyle in which one’s sole concern is with the “I.”
• First of all, each of us is a member of a community, and that is where we belong. Feeling that one has one’s own place of refuge within the community, feeling that “it’s okay to be here,” and having a sense of belonging - these are basic human desires. Whether it is one’s studies, work, or friendships, or one’s love or marriage, all these things are connected to one’s search for places and relationships in which one can feel “it’s okay to be here.”
• You are a part of a community not its center
• All of us are searching for the sense of belonging, that “it’s okay to be here.” In Adlerian psychology, however, a sense of belonging is something that one can attain only by making an active commitment to the community of one’s own accord, and not simply by being here
• One takes steps forward on one’s own, without avoiding the tasks of the interpersonal relations of work, friendship, and love. If you are “the center of the world,” you will have no thoughts whatsoever regarding commitment to the community; because everyone else is “someone who will do something for me,” and there is no need for you to do things yourself. But you are not the center of the world, and neither am I. One has to stand on one’s own two feet, and take one’s own steps forward with the tasks of interpersonal relations. One needs to think not, What will this person give me? but rather, What can I give to this person? That is commitment to the community
• A sense of belonging is something that one acquires through one’s own efforts - it is not something one is endowed with at birth. Community feeling is the much-debated key concept of Adlerian psychology
• Though this might be termed a “you and I” relationship, if it is one that can break down just because you raise an objection, then it is not the sort of relationship you need to get into in the first place. It is fine to just let go of it. Living in fear of one’s relationships falling apart is an unfree way to live, in which one is living for other people.
• Do not cling to the small community right in front of you. There will always be more “you and I,” and more “everyone,” and larger communities that exist.
• In Adlerian psychology, we take the stance that in child-rearing, and in all other forms of communication with other people, one must not praise
• Physical punishment is out of the question, of course, and rebuking is not accepted, either. One must not praise, and one must not rebuke. That is the standpoint of Adlerian psychology
• In the act of praise, there is the aspect of it being “the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability.”
• When one person praises another, the goal is “to manipulate someone who has less ability than you.” It is not done out of gratitude or respect
• Whether we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is one of the carrot or the stick, and the background goal is manipulation. The reason Adlerian psychology is highly critical of reward-and-punishment education is that its intention is to manipulate children
• One wishes to be praised by someone. Or conversely, one decides to give praise to someone. This is proof that one is seeing all interpersonal relationships as “vertical relationships.”
• Adlerian psychology refutes all manner of vertical relationships and proposes that all interpersonal relationships be horizontal relationships. In a sense, this point may be regarded as the fundamental principle of Adlerian psychology
• Equal, that is to say, horizontal

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Started: January 18, 2025 | Finished: January 23, 2025 | Time read: x min